Birthing of the next generation

I’ve waited months for this moment. An after several endless weeks where I thought it was time, but it wasn’t. don’t was finally the night. They are here in the world…they are real and I made them… If later I find the ink that I press to this page is unreadable it will be a reminder of how I could not stop crying at their beauty. Those little eyes looking up at me their hands grabbing for me knowing that I was the one who carried them. Who withstood all there kicks to my insides as the grew. It said in the books that I read that you will never understand the feeling you get after having your child… and now I understand what that means.

No matter if that little horned one nearly made me bleed to death… I could not wait to hold him to my arms, and as he grabbed for me I could not help but believe that somewhere inside of him he felt bad for nearly killing me…. Probably not…I’m still a little woozy from the blood loss likely nothing I am thinking or writing know is real… but I felt the need to write it. To remember what this moment felt like, because even if someday I am like Vedis and birthing a child for the hundredth time I can hope it will feel just as amazing as the first time.  It was painful… I screamed… I cried… and I felt a very strong urge to kill Marcus, and yet I feel as though I would do it again someday.

The Little Girl ( https://www.pinterest.com/pin/497366352571100164/ )

The blonde hair….the hair…BLONDE hair… my hair…. or what my hair once was. Oh lord I look at her and I see me. I see me before I was the me I am now. I see me, before I made the choices…and as I look at her I also see someone else…my mother. Not Dorina though the women is the one I consider my mother now… I see my mother before her, the blonde hair and the bright blue watchful eyes..and I remember. That mother I once had will never know her daughter, will never know her grandchildren… and for  brief moment I feel myself missing her.. and that feeling fades to guilt, until it is swallowed up by the reminder that she has no memory for good reason… if she remembered these beautiful blue eyes would likely not be here to gaze up at her.

The Little Boy ( https://www.pinterest.com/pin/142637513171470307/ )

OOC NOTE: I DIDN’T ADD HORNS BUT TRUST ME THEY ARE THERE!

Now as I look at the little boy…my fingers trace his horns… in truth they are not that big yet, but when they are making there way though an already tiny hole…needless to say they feel a lot bigger. He’s still so beautiful and I cannot help but hold him close. Yes he may have nearly killed me, but I still love him so much. As I look at his golden eyes and deep red hair. Ironic really one of my children looks like me before I arrived in  hell another looks like me, another looks more like me now… Though already I see his father in him… I feel partly bad that they seem to take after me more then him, but in truth it was Marc who said he hoped that they did just that…so maybe he will be happy.

I’m Egena Quinn-Seid Princess of Hell, and now Mother.

It was all worth it.

Every last moment.

Every last decision that lead me here.

Was all worth it for these beautiful.

Little Angels Little Devils

Little Monsters.

((OOC– Picking names))

THERE ARE TO MANY SUPER NAMES OUT THERE….

I just want to see what people like, so just because you vote and a name wins doesn’t mean that will be it! 😉

After all we don’t know what -it- is yet

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This will save me from going insane!!

Thanks

Hadley. ❤

Hormones…

The imps are more scared of me then usual…more then likely its because one moment I want to kill them and not help them feel better because I feel that angry! Then the next moment I’m crying because I didn’t help them, finding a new poor imp to hold and apologize to and they would just wait for a moment whimpering as they waited for me to stab a dagger into some part of there bodies… in certain moments I would leave them be and in others that horrible moment of anger would return and i would murder them all over again. This process is totally ruining my studies!! these finding of having several stab wounds would be a wonderful next step to my studies….

The growth of my stomach is something I have gotten used to. Though the books I’ve found to read make me worry that this pregnancy isn’t lining up with everything. I feel like I’m a lot bigger then I should be at this stage, and my boobs are already getting so HUGE and they ache along with the rest of me …Everything aches and I could never get comfortable, i’m not even half way though this pregnancy and I’m so uncomfortable.

“thanks for making me glad I’m barren” — Dyisi says with her usual grin in my direction!

Is what Dyisi told me tonight when I went to meet with her and she saw how uncomfortable I felt… though despite all her silly grins and comments she used her abilities to make me calm and she seemed to take away the pain at least for a short time I was able to sit on the bench and relax without the never ending discomfort… All I can hope is that this phase will pass and not get any worse…. though I have read further into the book in advance, and things don’t seem brighter. I will only begin to get bigger, I will lose sight of my feet, my feet will probably begin to swell as I retain water, and once i’m the size of a house chances are if I sit i won’t be able to get back up!

I worry once I get that big I won’t  be able to go topside anymore, which I guess isn’t life ending, but I worry about bringing anyone to visit. I mean I did not do a prepare properly for her dinner, and well, you know how that turned out. I’m sure if she came again when I was to fat to move I would be forgiven for not being fully prepared with a meal or something for a guest. …or not… honestly I really don’t know maybe even in the late stages of the pregnancy I will be required to keep up all the duties of my aunt and care for myself at the same time….

I guess we will see when the time comes, i’ve learned at this moment that i cannot begin to guess what the future holds or how people will respond to things.

Like Marc. I finally was able to tell him that I was going to have his child. Needless to say he started to change colors… and then he fainted. Wren got some joy from it though because I allowed her to dump a bucket of water on his head to bring him back to the real world. She found it much to amusing!  After dumping the cold water onto his head she let the bucket fall onto his head giving him a rather decent bump. Once he woke up, he crawled over to me started hugging my legs and talking to my tummy. Asking what I thought it was, or what I would want it to be …. even how cool it would be if we had one of each….

I can only hope between Dyisi,Myself, and Galyanna we can work with him to make him understand what this means. What my…our actions…have done. What they will mean for our future. An the general preparations for meeting the queen of hell which for most  accept for me, and maybe Wren can be utterly terrifying for most.

I guess I have rambled on long enough…

one last thing … if the babies a girl… i’ve already looked up a few names:

• Ellery
• Astrid
• Harper
• Hazel
• Fiona

And for a boy:

• Atticus
• Lennox
• Sébastien
• Aidan

Seems like a good start… I know I have time to decide, but its hard to choose… and in truth I worry if I get to attached to a girls name, and it happens to be a boy…or the other way around.

Sleeping with the Dead

Sleeping with the Dead

I am such an Idiot!!

I forgot to mention to Vedis about Absolum. i’m so used to the blue Caterpillar living in Dyisi eye who was always listening and occasionally allowed to make comments threw smoke. That is when the tension started when there was a shift in Vedis’ mood, and that is when matters only got worse, because I wasn’t thinking because to many things had been happening, and there was to much to remember, and a lot to forget.

Why didn’t I think of doing something else for dinner because Dyisi doesn’t eat food? I of all people should know that there are different ways people can eat. Sadly I have to blame the babies never ending hunger I cannot get food off my mind, so of course I was more concerned with the needs of my own stomach then I was about making Dyisi comfortable and giving her something she could ‘eat’ and enjoy…

Before Dyisi arrived though Vedis had mentioned that i was to start taking on more responsibility well she was away. I am so not ready to take on greater responsibility in dealing with the issues and the politics of hell. Though I know I could not have kept away from it forever, it would not be proper to call myself the Princess of Hell if I never actually do anything to support and help people… but I cannot help but worry that I will mess up and make things worse.. though after my mess at dinner maybe Vedis will have a change of heart for me taking on more responsibilities.

I was in trouble and I knew it. The sad fact is only a short while before Vedis had warned me that I was going to disappoint her some day, and that would be how I was going to learn…

“Dyisi if you would like you can rest in Egena’s bed, she will not be needing it tonight” — Vedis said

I did not know what my punishment was going to be, but as I exited the table to follow Vedis to the basement along with the soul  that was not going to be had for dinner thanks to my idiocy.

“Kill him” — Vedis said then. Well handing me a dagger to do it with. That was easy enough. I did not like killing souls simply to kill them without taking the time to try to heal it or study it in some fashion, but tonight was not the night for study but to simply to do what I was told. I stabbed the beautiful ruby studded dagger into the base of the souls neck and into his brain. Blood squirted everywhere and the body dropped  to the ground twitching with its last bit of function until it laid there still… bleeding all over the floor.

“Now you will lay with him all night and think about the waist you have made.” –Vedis continued.

The imps placed the still bleeding body onto the simple cot, waiting till I wiggled between the body and the wall before he draped his arm over me pinning my wings down before she left me there in the dimly little basement.

The smell of blood seemed amazingly strong, stronger then I have ever smelt it before.  This was not a good moment to be pregnant!! I was getting so nauseated it was not long before I started to gag, but I couldn’t throw up, not now, I was told to lay here all night and think over my mistake and I feel that even claiming I had to get up to vomit was not going to be enough to have Vedis let me off the hook, so I fought it. For the idea of vomit smell and blood smell mixing together would only make this time a million times worse.

It wasn’t so bad.. at first if I didn’t think about the smell of blood, as long as I did not look into his dark lifeless eyes. Hours passed. An the body got colder, and stiffer. The more stiff he became the less i could move. I did everything I could to at least keep the arm away from my stomach protecting the baby from my mistakes.

i don’t think I slept, if I did I clearly did not dream, just waited for morning to arrive so I could clean myself up and go back to normal…normal as normal can be after sleeping with a dead body for the night.

I will never forget to tell Vedis everything I have learned. Even if it seems like something that does not matter. I will never forget to think of my guests before I think of my own needs, and I will never waist Vedis’ time again with my mistakes.

I will do everything I can to make myself a proper princess off hell. I will manage hell the way Vedis would well she is away. I will learn from my mistakes, I will be better for myself and my child, I have to do better…

The Big Announcement

I could already tell I was starting to gain weight, I don’t want to be to big before I tell my sister. If she thinks I didn’t want to tell her it would likely upset her more then telling her first. I went up to the surface earlier in the day so hopefully I could catch my sister alone before Aiobh or anyone else had there chance to pull her away from me or eves drop on our conversation.

First I apologized for getting sick in front of her the day before. I knew that, that has scared her and I wanted to prove that I wasn’t dieing or anything like that! I sat her down in the grass after I made her stop rambling about all the things that might be wrong with me and told her that I was going to be having a baby… she didn’t take it as negatively as I worried she might be.

Honestly now I am more worried about Marcus when Wren mentioned she was going to question him about his intentions and plans. Between Wren, Dorina, and Vedis (when she finds out) the poor guy is going to have a lot of people to answer two about the baby, and what scares me most is he  doesn’t even know yet!! What if I get even bigger before i can find the time to see him,  what if I am fat and waddling all over when I finally find him to say “oh hey by the way we really should have worked a little harder to figure out what that balloon was that Dyisi gave us because…we are going to have a baby.” — I can see him now, going all pale or green and then …down on the ground passed out.

Is it sad that the father of my child will pass out at the news?

Ranting Aiobh

A while after I told Wren I figured i should probably get it over with and tell Aiobh was well. I had imagined several times since i found out I was having a baby how she of all people would respond. I could see her screaming at me, getting so mad that she started exploding magic all over the place and then Dakkon would likely try to fight her then if her magic dared to hurt me, even if she didn’t mean it. It does not take much to put Dakkon over the age and do all he could to keep me safe. Even more so now that i have a baby on the way.

Before I had a chance to tell her she handed me an old nut tied in a bow… why… who knows, I have looked the thing over and there seems to be nothing at all special about it, but I feel as though she wouldn’t just hand me something for no reason at all! I told her then that I was pregnant but there was so many people around that she was quickly pulled away by Maric. Though the look on her face told me that she had -a lot- more she would have wanted to say.

So the next day when I came up for a visit. Maric and Dyisi left, and Wren went on a hunt to find me food before getting side tracked. Leaving me and Aiobh alone. Now she was finally able to tell me just how she felt about me and my child. She started by saying how sorry she felt for me and the baby because thanks to me not only am I “damned” to be under control of hell but so is my child and that we will never know freedom..How dare she say that about my child!!

If that was not enough she went on  to say that she was actually the one who loves me more then anyone else. They way she treated me, they way she spoke to me was only to help me see what was happening to me, so I could see the negatives of hell, BUT  she hoped that I could prove her wrong… she wants me to prove her wrong, and thats all I have been trying to do since i decided to become a demon… but is it really possible is the question.

Decisions…Consequences…Choices

 

Marcus returned. I came up from hell to visit Wren hoping to having a discussion  with her as well as maybe a possible flying lesson if Aiobh was not there to stop us from going. Though before I saw my sister or Dyi I saw him.. and my mind started filling with thoughts, feelings, impulses, and desires. I wanted to take him right there and throw his clothes off… but Marcus was… Marcus.

He is not just any old soul I could pull from a jail cell and destroy without a second thought. Marcus was a real person, when I was finished with him his life was going to continue I could not simply slit his throat and send him on to be reborn. I had to be more kind then I was with Giovanni, but my brain could /not/ focus I felt so hot, so confused so fixated on him that I lost any attempt to focus on any other conversations around me beyond him.

It was then well I was totally lost in the process of holding back my urges to take him when Dorina hugged me from behind. She broke my thought process at least for a moment. She was my mother after all. Not by birth, but she will be my mother for as long as she choose to be called such…

I pulled her away from the group and questioned if I could borrow the cottage for a time to handle these urges… Assuming Marcus wanted to. Maybe this isn’t a thing that normal daughters ask their mothers, but I’ve never really known what normal mother and daughters do in any situation! She allowed me to borrow the cottage after she meet Marcus and whispered something in his ear…I think she scared him honest.

As I pulled Marcus away with the prospect of teaching him how to ‘fly’ Dyi gave him something that was like a really weird balloon…Neither Marcus or I have gone though middle school or high school we have never had a class about sex where they take the banana and they put the condom on it well the preach “Safe Sex” and warning you that even once having sex without protection and lead to…an oops.

After we had finished I took Marcus back to the Tavern and put him in his own bed before I moved back to the tree where I found Dori and Dyi giving a card reading. I chose to take a seat and listen to the process like Dori had done with me.  Dakkon is getting used to staying here long into the night, he seems to relax a least a little when its just Dyi, Dori, or Wren.

I don’t remember the name of the card Dyisi said, but I do remember how she stared at me for  very long moment and I asked her why she would stare at /me/ during Dori’s reading! She said things…the exact words I cannot remember because my brain started to cloud over for a moment. I only remember saying “you sense it don’t you” She felt it already she felt that what Marcus and I had done had created a life.

I’m pregnant. There is a baby growing inside of me. I am going to be a mother.

Following the Urges

 

Ever since Marcus came to Ash I’ve had this weird feeling deep inside. It screams at me to be felt to be dealt with in some way, but I don’t yet understand what that way is. What my body is demanding of me. I’ve done some reading trying to research why I have these feelings or what they mean for me. Some of those fiction novels I have found have scenes in them where a man and a women lay together and have sex….and those feelings well up again…is that what I need to do??

These are those moments when I realize how much I was able to skip over when you go from seven to twenty-one over night. I have no idea about sex just what I can read in the books, but the girl in the book I read was something called a “virgin” — which I guess means someone whose never had sex before. An I guess like with everything else there is a first time for everything and people aren’t expected to know what to do your first time… so I guess what I need to do is try. The question is what … or who … to try on.

I went down to the cell where we keep the fallen souls, and examined them each with great interest. Maybe one of these poor souls could use a break and come enjoy some pleasure, unless I am a failure at the process of sex then it might be of equal pain to pay for the rest of their sins.

Giovanni Foscari, A built looking Italian, slightly darker skin longer hair, as I chose him I asked what he once in his life before he came to be here… I was guards man, and that feeling returned I pulled him with me to my room and posted Dakkon outside the door. I took some of the different ‘moves’ from that novel I had finished reading as I threw the man down on the bed and being a soul of mine he did not fight me he no better then to question me but to simply accept his fate, and I began my practice… my attempt to lose that title of virgin.

Reference pic:

Meeting at the River

Fae Queen

When I went to  the village to visit Dyi and did not find her by her usual spot at the tree I chose to search further into the forest for I learned that she usually went there to get away from things and think, or something like that. I managed to find her but I also found another with her one that I thought I might never see again. Gwyn the Fae Queen the women who in some small way did help me find my way to this place I now call home. Without her indirect guidance who knows if I would be here or still stuck in Esterwell still a child who felt as though she was never going to fit in and hoping for something more. I was happy to see her and yet I was worried at the same time. Gwyn likely had no idea who/what I was now, that I had made a very different choice on the path of my life one that I know many never say coming.

I introduced myself politely with slight help from Dyi. Explaining that I once was the little girl named Hadley, and some part of me still is but now I have grown, changed, and taken on a more fitting name of Egena. She Looked me over and called me closer till I was in the water with her, which made Dakkon ANGRY, but in truth I saw no harm in joining the women for what reason would she have had to harm me, it would have done her no good.

We talked for a time and she had mentioned how she would have chosen a different path for me but then she understood. Even the Queen of the Fae can accept the choices I have made! She doesn’t know me that well but she knows me well enough. Its in moments like this that I question how everyone else in the world seems to accept the choices I made accept for the women who was once a dear friend. I have tried all I know to make Aiobh understand, but I feel it is time to stop fighting with someone who is to set in her ways and much to stubborn to change her view and just be thankful that she is the only one who seems to truly hate me.

Reflections

I don’t know why I decided that tonight I was going to find my way back into Aiobh dreams, to test if she would answer my call, but I had to try. I developed a plan I would not harm her, but make her see, feel and experience those moments in my life that changed me forever that worked so hard to developed that demon that has always lived in me.

With Aiobh you must never expect some great change of heart, I would never, but I do hope that underneath all her hate of me, other demons, and clan Seid. That she will think of those visions, think of those moments that maybe if they had all gone a different way things would have been different….

She thinks I am blind to my choices. That I gave up on my life. Though as I look now in the mirror I am not greeted by that feeling of worthlessness that plagued me in my childhood I am worth something here,  I am needed, I am part of something greater then myself.

Claiming that I cannot feel emotions, and reliving those moments of my life hurt me more then she will ever realize. Under this beautiful form I fear that that small destroyed little girls is still hiding away and it is my job to protect her…to protect me from myself. From those of the world who seek to destroy… Everything.

There is one thing though, that I cannot deny, is I have to start letting my sister go. There are moments I feel myself trying to sway her towards the beauties of Hell, but my sister is not meant for that world like I am, she is meant for something more, the darkness did not creep towards her like it did to me… She is the light to my darkness the yin to my yang. I know already that there will come a day when she goes older that he will be on apposing sides, and neither of us can let our love for year cloud our judgement… slow I must …guide her away from me… and I can only hope it does not cause her the pain that I’ve felt someone I loved left me behind. I will do everything I can to keep that from happening to her.

That is what love is.

To do whats right for them and not for yourself.

I’m not sure if what I have done will do any good, but at least now I feel as though she may someday understand why I did what I did.

Why I gave away the light everyone claimed I once had for the darkness consumed me in the end…

and gave me

.life.

Egena

The Art of Murder

I prepared for the dinner again, and it seemed that we were going to have a different lesson with Vedis and Llwyd. I did not know what it would all included but where usually interesting to say the least. An that is exactly what happened. We went from preparation for the lesson to there was suddenly a shift in mood, they both seem to become extremely defensive of who they are and what that meant. This then migrated into something more… passionate to say they least. Clearly they both thrive under the concept of lust, if I had to make a guess I feel that the connection between to so strong in such a passionate sin could cause great …disaster.

The two of them rushed away so quickly so, and the lesson was over before it started, but I quickly found Galyanna and Kitori. I told them how my lesson had ended short and for once the concept of reading and studying did not seem very interesting to me, and need something more interesting to do. Kitori is someone who likes to kill that is extremely clear. She finds great pleasure in killing, I do not feel as though I will ever enjoy the concept of killing, though I find passion is one thing that is confusing to me. When it comes to imps, they do not seem like people to me, they seem to expendable that when I hurt them in effort to practice my healing abilities there pain feeds me, and excites me all over again. To heal and to hurt all at once makes me feel….powerful.

“Violence or Mercy?” Galyanna asked me. As usual giving no explanation of what either of them would been based on my choice. So I did not rush my decision.  If there is one thing I have learned about Galyanna its that you can never predict what her questions truly mean. I chose Mercy, because no matter what I am now, no matter who I was then I have spend my life fighting for so many things and rarely being shown any form of mercy so in making this choice I chose the thing that I would have wanted.. Mercy.

I gave my choice and Kitori was sent to the dungeon to find a soul who deserved our mercy. When she returned we stood in the center of the throne room. The women cried madly and grabbed for the fabrics of my dress begging me and begging me…and I felt guilt in that moment.

Galyanna told me that having emotions is what makes me special it makes me different then other demons. She treats it like a good thing, but sometimes I worry that the emotions that I hold will hurt me someday. Galyanna handed me a beautiful perfect blade and told me to show the soul mercy by killing her. I think she knew how this bothered me even before I did. The women understands me more in certain moments then I understand myself.

I circled the women. Standing at her back and I knelt down at her level I held her head in my free hand in some way I was trying to offer the women more then mercy but comfort and compassion. If i was to kill her in a merciful way I did not want her to feel the need to scream any longer, simply to accept the fate. All those poor choices she had made in her life had led her to this moment where I held her in my arm. Taking the blade in my hand I would push it deep into the base of her skull. using those books that I have read  about the anatomy of the human body to choose the quickest and least painful of ways to kill her. Once her form was limp in my arms I set it down and stood tall once more.

” you killed her… you took a life… you murdered her ” she looked to the princess…. “how did it feel?” Galyanna questioned me.

How did it feel. How did it feel to MURDER some???  Was what I screamed inside my head when she first asked such a crazy question… how did it feel. How was it supposed to feel… you shouldn’t -kill- people  … but then Galyanna reminded me…. Murder does not mean the same thing here as it does on earth. It does not mean the same to humans as it does to demons… Like me, I am a demon and I must remember this. The world is not the same as it once was…  I am not the same as I once was…Like in that card reading I have to be open to the idea of change..

Important things I must now remember:

• Death is different here.
• People are technically already dead.
• They have been sent to hell to pay for there sins.
• It is our job to make them pay for there sins, but when there time is up, we must kill them.
• If for some reason there time is not up they shall come right back to us.
• If there time is up, they will more then likely be reborn and get another chance at life. A second chance to do something better then you had before, or risk returning back to us at the end of that life.
• So even if I murder them… I am giving them life in return, I am helping them learn from there mistakes. I am doing good.

I may be a demon. Stories and things may depict my kind as dark and evil, but if people took the time to learn and understand as I have begun to. That it all depends on your perspective, and now as I begin to move my practice forward, I feel I can start to do test on the various fallen souls, for in my practice   if they die and have been punished enough they will move on and have another chance at life…. if I practice and they don’t die or come back, it only serves that I can practice more because there is still a debt to be payed, and I shall help them pay it.

Egena